The Great Red Lion

Turn Turn Turn

2011-11-30T13:41:00.001-08:00

So... it's been a while.

Not only does this pride now live in a different area, there are also more of us! We're a family of six now.

Since my last post; I've shot a few more fish, relocated, acquired a small tractor, a dozen or so chickens, some goats, some sheep, a cat, and a new way of life.

A couple of comments

2009-04-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

1) It's been a long time since I've posted anything. I've actually shot a few more fish and have some pictures I'd like to post as some point. I went on a dive in Oct '08 off the Oregon coast that easily rivaled anything I saw in Belize. I was diving a kelp forest with enormous schools of sea bass, amazing visibility. Two harbor seals passed nearby... stopping to wonder what I was. I went on another dive earlier this week.... we ended up diving the jetty at Newport in somewhat poor conditions for about 1 hr. I walked away with a single black rock. My dive buddy got two. On the whole it was a good day though because it was the day our lives were preserved by a busted zipper, a flat wheel-barrow tire, and a broken buckle. The take home lesson: Never resent providential interruptions... especially when they don't fit your schedule.

2) I am really thankful that God is continually growing us. Looking back at things I've written, it is fun to see what life-themes have carried on and matured and which have wained. It's exciting to see that I'm a different person than I was.

3) Just as birth is a process that appears cyclical and endless, so the world seems to move on in peace and war, richness and famine. But just as labor almost imperceptively crescendos to birth a new baby, God is birthing something through creation. The cycle of conflict and resolution is slowing growing. At some point, the cycle breaks and everything changes... and what seems impossible in one moment changes everything forever in the next.

Greenling

2007-08-17T13:15:00.001-07:00

I've always wondered why a beautiful brown-red spotted fish would be called a "greenling" as it happens my dive buddy shot one... and the inspiration for the name became clear once we started cleaning the catch!

Newport Dive

2007-08-17T13:03:00.001-07:00

Here's my stringer of fish. Today I shot 5 perch and a black rock fish... and there was another that somehow wiggled off the shaft before I could grab it.

As we got into the water, a grey whale was playing in the harbor. It kept breeching... came almost all the way out of the water several times. It worked its way across in front of us (boaters stopping to watch), and then headed back out to sea.

The water is very warm (with a heavy wetsuit) and visibility varied a lot as the tide changed. Overall visibility was probably averaging 8 to 10 ft. The water was clear enough that it was still light at the bottom of the channel (~ 30 ft).

We got in the water after low tide. With a 7 ft exchange, it was quite a fight to not get washed back into the harbor. (Remember that for future dive planning!) Once the tide began to stabilize near high tide. Conditions improved a lot and I could relax enough to get some deeper dives in.

This dive was the most fun of the free-diving I've done so far.

A First Christmas

2006-12-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

He is 1 month and ~5 days old. He was born right here at home, and we are very happy to have him. He is a boy through and through... even at 1 month. He doesn't cry unless he's got something to cry about... but he's not quiet. He spends his time grunting and snorting and escaping from his swaddle. He will be the "Cub" for a while. His sister is now the "Little Lion".
She has earned the title with her ferocious growls. She and I practice growling together regularly :-)... it's very cute. The Cub is still figuring out what this place is all about... so far his favorites include mommy's milk and sleeping. He doesn't see any value in baths or diaper changes thankyou... none at all.

The Little Lion and new Cub

2006-11-13T19:48:00.000-08:00

The Little Lion is learning to love the new cub. Though she's still not completely sure what he's good for... she knows he's got to be good for something.
We're all glad you're here baby!

Everything is a Toy

2006-10-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

The Cub knows no limit when it comes to finding toys. She really likes playing with the Lioness' stethescope and when given the opportunity it happy to try checking her own blood pressure with a leg cuff.

Why are there stethescopes and blood pressure cuffs in my living room? It might be more normal at my house... but today the reason is because the Lioness had a meeting with our midwife. Betty will be helping us with the birth of our next baby... at home.

We've explained to the Cub that soon she'll have her own baby to take care of and play with... but I don't think she's put it all together yet... or will until she hears her little brother cry for the first time. Even then it might take a little bit before she realizes that he's a permanent addition to the pride. I don't think it will take her too long to realize that being a big sister has some perks.

The Expedition Members

2006-10-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

Me, Pete, Josh, and Brennan. A somewhat ordinary out-in-the-woods-photo taken in a not very ordinary place.

This is about 11 miles or so from the ocean in the coast range. A truly beautiful area that reveals mystery, begs questions, and offers few answers.

It was a very good trip.

Descent

2006-10-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

Here's a photo of Peter and I. I'm descending into the cave... it's about a 25 foot drop and the last 10 feet you're suspended on the rope before you reach the bottom of the first room. From there it's possible to climb... though it's much easier to have a rope to hold onto since it's still very steep.
In the end Peter was the extreme explorer... he slipped down into a muddy looking round hole (that I avoided because I was a having wimpy thoughts of death and despair) and located quite a lot more explorable space. In the end, we were left with a feeling that the cave isn't that stable... a lot of what we explored this time wasn't accessible a couple years ago on our first trip. That seems awfully fast for a cave to be changing.

2006-10-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

Just in case you'd like to visit the cave we were exploring... here's a photo of the entrance. I wouldn't want you to miss it! Lucy (my black lab) spent all of three days running around in the mountains without a leash in sight (except briefly right here). Talk about a happy dog!

The Trip

2006-10-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

I took this low-res photo with my cell-phone camera. We're at the highest point for miles in any direction. This is just before sunset facing the ocean from 13 miles inland. Fog was rolling in the whole coast was buried under it. To my left as I took the photo is an abandoned fire watch tower. ~15 years these towers were still lived in during the summer. Fire watch made for a good summer job for college students who liked to really get away.
On this trip (this is the condensed version), I went camping with three other friends. Peter, Josh, and Brennan. Though we were here to explore some caves and some other interesting things in the area... which we did successfully, there are few moments that I can remember that match the experience I had the first night on the mountain. Laying awake in my sleeping bag, the air was perfectly still, and above me the stars were so close, so bright and so numerous that I felt that I was floating among them. The moon came up late (~2am) and emerged to shine through gathering clouds. We awoke inside a bank of clouds... in a soaking mist which continued the entire next day.
The second photo is Josh at our camp table (the base of the tower is behind him)

New Color

2006-10-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've got a few posts to make... they probably won't end up being in chronological order... but some stories are worth telling.
I'll start with the latest. On the first day of October, I finished painting my house. It's been coming along for a while... and went much faster with the help the Laurance offered.

Our house has gone from the original blue with blue trim to stone grey with cream trim... the house looks much better and is much better protected from the weather!
The front door is a purple-black color. I sanded the shiny kick-plate down for a "brushed metal" look that is softer and works better with the door.
Now it't time to catch up on the things I put off while painting!
Next Projects might include: rebuilding the dog house. (adding insulation, storage, and a door and painting it to match the house)

This summer (mostly before I started painting) I also went on a couple of free dives and an amazing camping trip in the mountains with some friends. I'll try to add some photos of those too!

Cub #2

2006-06-10T21:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a while... ironically, the more there is to talk about, the less time there is to talk!

Since my last update, my friend Matt has gotten married to Genna. (The last of my "single" friends is now married) . Now there are babies everywhere! One friend's baby was born this morning (a little girl). There are ~nine more on the way! They are due in July, September, twins in October, our next baby at the end of October, two in November, December, and January. (we can't reliably count them further out than ~9 months) There are other's too!

This next week, I'm going on an exploration / camping trip. I'll be returning to some vertical caves (with more rope than last time). It will be exciting to see if they open into a caves system or not (the odds are against it)

note

2006-01-05T20:59:00.000-08:00

I was having trouble connecting to this site in order to update my blog for about a month... and I've been busy before and after that!.. Of course I was busy generating more things to write about and getting more photos to post.

The web problem turned out to be issues with account settings and how they related to the DSL modem. It was a long path to find that solution!

The Gauntlet

2005-11-14T21:00:00.001-08:00

My friend is getting married in a couple of weeks. Naturally, a group of his friends had to pull him away for a weekend in order to test his mettle. To insure his fortitude as a man in the face of adversity... Our goal was to ensure the success of his marriage by proving his strength against challenges he might encounter later in married life. We want to know that his wife will be well cared for. (It is a little known fact that a bachelor party is really to benefit the bride... not the groom. {has anyone noticed that the groom... not the bride... has to endure heinous misery and exposure of weakness during one of these events. How could that be confused with fun?})

The bachelor party that I attended this last weekend was no exception. Josh was required to hunt big game (he must be able to feed his family), Defend himself in a time of war (Life, Liberty, Property), Build a functioning shower from a box of junk (sow's ear to a silk purse / cleanliness is next to...), Demonstrate a thorough knowledge of important facts about his bride-to-be, and recognize subtle changes in her appearance without outside assistance. When he failed, he was forced to endure brutal tauntings and push-ups in the freezing ocean surf. (during a pacific storm in almost total darkness)
Finally, he had to face each of his friends in hand to hand combat and defeat them in "The Gauntlet" before he was able to claim the "Red Hot Flaming Love Pepper"... a symbol of his triumphant masculinity (and also helpful in keeping mosquitos away)

Frozen Lemonade

2005-11-09T19:02:00.000-08:00

Here's my lemon tree this morning. It was about 30 degrees (F) when I left. My friend who lives nearby kindly spared me from riding my motorcycle to work... Thank You.

Notice that the tree is covered in blossoms and even has maturing fruit on it. I'm not sure if it has noticed that it is in Oregon yet. I'm hoping that it does ok in the cold... last winter it faired pretty well.

Citrus trees, as I understand, are the only type of tree that can have every stage of fruit on it at one time.

Dinner

2005-10-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm naive, but I was pretty impressed with my dinner other night... impressed enough that I thought it should go down in history. It is important to note that I am not taking credit for this piece of artwork. The Lioness made the whole thing (even the bread). I would recommend a home-made BLTC to anyone.

Our Girl's First Autumn

2005-10-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've added a photo of our little girl. This seemed like the right time though. I just took this photo less than an hour ago.

The Lioness and I enjoyed getting pumpkins together last year at a local farm. We went to another farm even closer to our house this time... so we could start this family tradition.

One of the nice things about our area is that during fall time we can go to farms (within 6 miles) to get our pumpkins and during christmas, we can go to local tree farms (within 15 miles) to pick out and cut our own christmas tree.

Our little cub thought that the pumpkins were lots of fun... she of course was pretty intent on tasting one before we left. I think she succeeded when we had her posing next a big yellow bumpy pumpkin that was about 2 or 3 times her size. Poor Lucy (our dog) was stuck in the car while we wandered the pumpkin patch. In a perfect world (where rabbits and chickens didn't get to vote on it's perfection), Lucy would have been able to explore the pumpkin patch with us and chase any small animals that she could find.

A wind in my hair week: Part II

2005-09-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

... continued.

4) My wife's birthday is just a couple of days before mine. Normally we celebrate them together... but I suspected that wasn't going to work well this year. So I put together a couple of gifts for her and took her out for dinner. (this is becoming an expensive month as you will see) We had a wonderful time and a nice restaurant near our town that I knew she had wanted to visit. She also liked her gift... I bought her a gift certificate for an experience rather than a thing.

As it turns out: 5) my birthday was last Saturday. I turned 30. (suddenly I miss having a reliable 2 in my age). She had opted to give me an experience for my birthday too.

I knew no information about what she had planned... except I know her well enough that I knew there was a plan.
On my birthday, we woke up early (the baby wakes us up) and wandered over to the airport to see a bunch of hot airballoons take off together. And then had breakfast at some friends' house this is on the taxiway at the airport. A little later, my wife, my friend (who mysteriously showed up) drove up the highway and out into country. I noticed we were following the "grape stomping" festival signs... part of me was a little worried... "happy birthday... take off your shoes!" When they were confused about where we were going... everything came clear in a moment. My friend in the back seat suddenly said "I don't think we need the map any more". I looked up to see 4 parachutes sinking behind the trees ahead of us. That's what I was going to do!
It's a place called "Skydive Oregon". Well... I'm sure you all know about skydiving... pretty standard stuff. a) sign 7 pgs front/back of "Neither I nor my cousin's aunt's neighbor's parakeet will sue you when I die." b) sit through a 3 min how-to-not-die presentation. c) Put on the funny looking jump suit and beany helmet. d) Tell my wife that she should remarry if I don't make it, and to forgive herself since it was her idea. e) cram into a plane with 12 really strange people. f) fly to ~2 miles straight up. g) be strapped to some stranger who hopefully doesn't want to die either. h) fall out of a plane 1/2 way through the ride. Strangely, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't scared... but it was windy. We fell for about a minute... the earth got significantly closer during that short time. Then straps around my legs went tight (I'm so glad they were on correctly) and everything went quiet. What a cool experience to be floating slowly in silence so far up in the air. The guy I jumped with (Justin) handed me the control cords (for lack of a formal term) and let me fly for a while... very cool. The only time I felt like I was really falling fast was the last 50 feet or so... yikes! We're falling! However, I performed a picturesque landing on my butt... with good coaching of course. But wait there's more! After the "jump" I was met by a good friend that I don't get to see often enough. My wife had arranged for him to meet us.
How's that for a cool birthday? Well, back to real life...
That evening, I headed over to some friend's house to help work on their pool... it seems the "liner and slipped." Not a good thing. It's a good thing there are friends like me that are willing show up (on his birthday) to help out..... by being surprised by a birthday luau party. My wife had sent out invitations to everyone in the area that I know. She got help from several people, and put together an awesome party! I was completely taken off guard! I wasn't expecting it at all. We partied late into the evening. That was a pretty dang cool birthday!

Sunday, I got up and made it to worship practice at 9am and lead worship for the morning service. The band really played well together (a wonderful experience) and it felt like God met us that morning. It is exciting when God shows up... because it's an element that organization or musicianship cannot manipulate. God does what God wills.

I had to leave out of lot of cool things to make this as short as it is!

So now I'm back to work... doing my current job, and my old job. And I've got to be a presenter in front of a legislative commission next week. I like speaking to groups, but this is still something new to me. I'm a little nervous about it. I guess I feel like the stakes could be pretty high not only for me as an individual, but also for my office and my boss. I really want it to come off right... but it's been hard to shake the "you are a loser" feelings today. (there's a lesson for you... really awesome birthdays with lots of people showing that they care does not make you immune to feeling like a loser.)

Other items for the record: (this is not for entertainment purposes.. so don't try to be entertained by this part)
I'm working towards establishing a Thursday evening worship time. (I expect to help it grow over the next couple of months maybe)
The Lioness and I spent last night and all day today at a regional conference for the leadership people in our denomination. (I'm still pretty new to the organizational dimension of christianity) It was a pretty good thing. (I had to leave for a while to attend a meeting at work though)

All right. That seems like a sufficiently extended telling of this recent season! (if you find this part entertaining... That's ok. Though I might not trust your movie recommendations in the future if you consider this part entertainment)

A wind in my hair week: Part I

2005-09-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

Ok. Here's how it goes.
1) My coworker gives her two week notice. The first of the two weeks, She (and most of the Building) is gone for a conference in Portland with VIPs from across the country. I spent the week holding down the fort so to speak.
I take 1/2 of that Friday off in order to get ready for a weekend men's retreat with a bunch of guys from my church. (think ~400 guys at a huge camp in a beautiful forest)
2) I and my group of guys show up late-ish on Friday evening. Dinner. Worship. 1st session. The speaker is Phil Downer. He's a great communicator... pretty direct. Six guys sleep in a tent together... it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. We all walked into that situation knowing that about 50% of the inhabitants snore loud enough that we wouldn't be hearing the generators that the old guys use to stay warm in their RVs at night. (If you're one of the old guys and happen to read this... I'm talking about the other old guys... not you)
Over all, it was a pretty good weekend. Lots of quick meetings with guys that I'm trying to plan things with, but never see... and a few good conversations with guys in other churches that I've missed... Like Happy the logger (yes, that's his real name).
I stopped by the prayer tent for the first time. I didn't have a specific agenda... I just wanted to see what God might say. I wandered up to the tent after hearing a friend tell me about a pretty exciting experience there (it is now ~10:45pm)... there's a line. When I finally get to the front, I sit down in a chair in front of three other guys. The middle was asks, "what's your name". After I told them my name they just stopped and waited to see what God might say. When they did speak, they all spoke out things that I'd felt pretty clearly. It was a good time of confirmation.
I really can't do justice to the "retreat" experience here... so I'll just move on.
It was wonderful to get home to my wife (who doesn't snore) and my little girl (who snores a little but at 4 months... everything is cute).
3) I spend Monday and Tuesday trying to learn everything from my coworker about how she had changed things since I had been in that position. On Tuesday, I gave her a hug and said good bye. Now, I'm on my own in the office. I will be for at least another month.

Rest

2005-09-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

I speak of rest because it is one that God has been reminding me about recently. Of course, the reason (as is usually the reason for God telling someone something) is that because I don't have enough of it in my life.
There's a guy. His name Graham Cooke. He wrote a really chunky book called "Divine Confrontation"... I couldn't read it the first time I tried. There was too much to absorb.... too much to process. Either way, the Lioness and I went to hear him speak since he happened to be speaking at a conference less than an hour away from our house. He talked about how God told him to rest and that he's been intensely productive since then. (well, he wrote several chunky books I guess)
I've been trying rest a little more during the everyday. hey, I'm not using my legs right now... why are they tense? "relax legs... give it a break". It leaves me wondering how much energy and effort I spend every day, or even every minute on sub-conscious things that don't benefit me at all. I clench my teeth a lot I know.
There's lots happening, I won't try to do it justice. The baby is wonderful and doing wonderful things. The Lioness just got the coffee machine ready to make coffee for me to take to work in the morning... its those sorts of thoughtful things that tell me that she loves me for real. Now I need to go do a million other things before I go to sleep.... like.. wash the car... and build a fence... and play a computer game... no.. no.. not really.

Kids

2005-07-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

One of the most frequent comments I hear as a new parent goes something like "Enjoy every moment... they grow up before you know it!". Just as all parts of life, it seems that every day passes more quickly than the last. I wonder if my perception is tied to a fast-paced world that spinning faster... or if its only the microcosm that I live in. Regardless, experience rings true to the comments that people offer. They do grow up quickly. I remember the shock when I realized that my daughter was 6 hrs old already... it seemed like she had just been born!... now I think back at how she really had just been born. In a short while, I will look back at my today and how she was still brand new.
The perception of time is subject to comparison.
I don't feel young, but my parents and grandparents still see me as a kid full of potential. Of course, God looks at each of us no matter what our age is and sees us all as "kids". What's the difference between 15 years old and 83 years young when all of time is laid out before you. We're all people. We all do people things. The 15 year olds and 83 year olds struggle with a lot of the same things... struggling with insecurity, yearning for love, frustrated by what is just out of reach, asking "is it ever ok to tell a lie?"
Yeah, it all goes quickly... at least this part of it seems to. I sure hope that when it's all over that I can look back and see value in what I've done. I hope Allana has known love. I hope God will see me as his kid, and let me hang around.

Bonfire

2005-06-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

In 35 minutes I will not be arriving at the "Bonfire of the Lifeguards". It was postponed, due to rain... I guess lifeguards don't like getting wet - go figure. My friend has the ability to put together "events" like almost nobody else. He worked with the best man at my wedding to put together the coolest bachelor party I'd ever been to (my own). Now he works at a pool and decided to put together a bonfire for his co-workers. (There usually seems to be a bonfire every summer) They usually involve eating food with unusual names like "Bunyan Burgers", or disarmingly normal names like "orange cake". He usually puts together some goofy skits that he enlists different people to help with..... everyone that attends has some secret to keep from everyone else. I think he thrives on these events. At times he'll take his show on the road. He's ridden across the United States on his bike... with his dog Cyclops. He and Cyclops also circumnavigated France one summer. He always brings back stories about people he meets and strange places that he makes camp. Though, he doesn't spend much time online he has a web presence on other people's blogs... it seems I'm not the first to blog about him. ( Here a family tells about their encouter with him in Oregon http://www.imagesales.com/Welcome/People/Paul/SFtoSeattle/BikeTrip2000index.html?Day10.html)

In other news, the Lioness and I spent the weekend on the coast with some friends (Their family has a condomium in the bay there) . It was a wonderful place to be... watching the boats come and go. We had a nice dinner Friday evening, and spent Saturday shopping at an outlet mall and laying on the beach.

I hope to go back to free dive (or SCUBA) there. I went hunting there along the jetty once... but visibility to was so bad that I couldn't see the tip of my speargun. Another time, I went SCUBA diving under a research ship's dock in the harbor... It was a pretty tame dive (my first in the local cold water). Had I known that we could get crabs we would have picked some up... it was amazing to see them running in all directions on the bottom of the ocean.

Taking the long way home

2005-06-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

The Lioness and I had to drive thru Albany to get home (~40 extra miles). A guy was threateningto jump of the Marion St Bridge in Salem. (He was there for at least 5 hrs) He hada noose tied around his neck and to the bridge. The Center St. bridge,right next to the Marion St Bridge, had a car wreck. Both were pretty much shut down. Normally we'd just take River Rd. home, but two different tractor-trailershad shut down River road by Jack knifing and the other getting stuck under a rail overpass. The Ferry (4 cars at a time) had its hours extended. I heardof one person taking 3 hrs to travel about 10 miles.
We showed up a little late for a get-together at the Pastor's house. A lot of people were there. Though I was pretty tired going into it, I had a goodtime (and a productive time). We didn't leave until ~10pm. The Lioness got to carry Allana around so they could meet her. I got to talk music with a few different people. It was a good evening. AND I ended up NOT having to work tomorrow... Politics is taking a weekend off.(I suspect it has to do with the birth a grandchild.... for the Speaker of the House)

2005-06-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

My little girl

2005-06-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's another. Here she is in her going home out fit... We really looked hard to find something small enough to fit (it was premie size)... but as you see, it was still pretty huge on her.

2005-06-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

Here she is next to our friends thumb (for size comparison)... this is a "mostly" average size thumb. Hey! stop looking at the thumb... look at the little girl... she is so adorable! Who in their right mind let that thumb get so close to her!? (thankyou D for posing for the photo)

quick note

2005-06-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

Life has been anything but normal since our little girl was born. She is cute (that is her most distinguishing quality), and she does a great job of what she does. She sleeps... wow. And she eats... Wow. And she goes poo... WOW! She does each of these things well. (I'm sure she's ahead of schedule for most babies ;-) ) Oh yes, she also cries sometimes... Her sincere cries are cute and heart wrenching at the same time. When she REALLY means it her little jaw quivers.
She makes cooing noises, and looks around (she's still learning how to use her eyes). I think my personal favorite is listening to her breathe her quick little breaths. It is scary to have a person that is so utterly incapable of anything so completely depending on the Lioness and I. (The Lioness is carrying the bulk of the responsibility... since suprisingly, my milk still hasn't come in :-) ... don't bother waiting around)
Though I doubt that life will ever be the same, I hope to contribute more regularly here as we settle into our new way of life.

2005-05-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

What labor?

Part IV: Allana Joy

2005-05-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

Here’s our situation: Heidi’s in the Jacuzzi trying to rest… she is completely spent. We have a baby that’s turned posterior. Heidi is off Pitocin and off the fetal monitor against the Dr’s request. She can’t go back, but doesn’t seem to have enough energy to continue.
While Heidi and I were alone, Nurse Darlene called the company that manufactured the fetal monitor. She discovered that using a “telemetry unit” (think wireless network for a fetal monitor) she could put the monitor on Heidi while she was in the Jacuzzi so we could honor the Dr’s recommendation and still stay in the tub. We could also put Heidi back on Pitocin, but allow her to labor in the Jacuzzi which would help lighten the labor, and possible ease some pain. She might also be able to rest better between contractions. This seemed like our best bet… since we couldn’t go back. We’d long since passed the point of no return.
Somewhere near this point, I stepped out to the waiting room to explain to our family and a few friends what was happening. (Later, I learned that Darlene had been giving them regular updates, and had helped out a great deal). It was hard to keep all that I was feeling in check as I explained where we were at. How tired Heidi was, that we were trying to compromise to accommodate the doctor’s recommendation. I was probably more tired than I realized. I asked them to pray. (They immediately called people all over the state to pray with us too). I went back to be with my girl.
As I explained the situation to Heidi, she said one of the most amazing things I’ve ever heard her say… especially when I could see the change that came over her as she said it. She looked at Amy & I and said “I’ll do whatever you ask me to do.” As she said that I felt her turn over her entire being, body, and soul to us. She let go of everything. I also saw, that she relaxed almost immediately. She didn’t gain more energy. She just was somehow able to release all that she had left inside.

We had to turn the baby. A posterior baby meant extra difficult labor… and we’d already had enough of that. It had to change if Heidi was going to make it through.
Amy had said what we need to do… but knew that Heidi would never do it. But this wasn’t a normal day. Nothing was normal today.
Heidi started by going through a series of position changes in the Jacuzzi, changing position with each contraction (or 2). Next she did was seemed impossible. We helped her out of the tub (she’s still wired to a fetal monitor and has multiple IV drips/ pumps tied to her) we take her outside the bathroom floor and put her face down on the floor. She helps us lift her legs up on to a “birthing ball” (think super-duty beach ball). With her face on her arms in a kind of “wheel barrow” position Amy begins to swing Heidi’s body back and forth on the ball. (Amy is holding Heidi’s legs up high, Heidi’s hips are on the ball) The hope is that using gravity to let the baby slide “up”, and then using other positions between times in the wheel barrow position, we might roll the baby over into the correct position. Heidi says 3 times is all she can do. She does 4 with a little coaxing from Amy. I felt after the 4th time that whatever needed to happen had happened. It was time to move on. ( As it turned out the baby had rolled over just as it needed to… but we couldn’t know that for sure at the time)
Heidi went back into the Jacuzzi and continued to move through positions with contractions. But after a short time she says “I think I’m having the urge to push” (good news! That’s her body’s signal that she is getting very close!!)
Nurse Darlene offers a choice, 1) continue in Jacuzzi and let Dr Peterson check for progress in a while. Or 2) She can check for progress right now. Heidi wants to know right now. (Amy, very cautious about what we might discover reminds Heidi that if she isn’t dilated as much as she hopes, the dilation is a poor measure of progress)
Heidi is at 9cms! She is totally exhausted, but for the first time in days she can see hope. Maybe there really is a baby, maybe this will happen after all. Nurse Darlene tells Heidi that she can push a little… but only very gentle pushes. Heidi is happy to oblige.
After a short time we move to a supported squat on the bed. (make the bed shaped like a chair with a shelf at the bottom. I sit behind her and she leans back against me in a squatting position.) Nurse Darlene says she things Heidi looks like a Buddha Goddess. As she sits peacefully beneath the spotlights that were just turned on and pointed at her. Heidi continues to make gentle pushes with each contraction… things have moved from despairingly slow to incredibly quick! With a contraction we hear a ripping popping sound… Heidi’s water finally broke. Only a little comes out, the baby is blocking it in. Amy gets mineral oil to help massage Heidi to reduce the chance of a severe tear. Almost immediately, she announces that she’s felt the baby’s head. Heidi is further along than anyone expected. Nurse Darlene warns that we’re probably about an hour away at this point… she’ll call the doctor when we progress just a little more. Amy insists that the baby is moving noticeably with each contraction. (I’m torn in two. I want to support Heidi right where I’m at… but I want to feel my baby!!!). After another contraction, Amy and I switch positions. I can see my baby’s head! I can feel my baby’s head!
Nurse Darlene takes a look… and runs for the phone. This baby is coming much faster than she expected. Heidi keeps her gentle pushes. Nurse Darlene makes an emergency call for a doctor (her first call to have Dr Peterson come seemed to go unnoticed) Instantly 5 people burst through the door. Everyone is talking at once. “What’s wrong!” “Nothing, I just called for Dr Peterson and nobody responded! Everything is alright.”
I’m watching my baby being born. The baby’s head comes out… purplish pink. I can’t see the face. The head is compressed into such a long shape that I’m instantly worried for her, though her coloring doesn’t seem too bad. (considering what she’s doing right now. I honestly saw images from the first “Alien” movie when I saw the shape of the head. )
Two hands in blue gloves reach past me. “I’m just going to help get the shoulder out.” I’m horrified that this person just grabbed my baby’s head and is twisting and pulling!!! (I don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl, but obviously they’ll be paralyzed!!! It was difficult to hold my tongue) With a final push, (Heidi is being encouraged to push for real now!) our baby almost pours out. As the baby comes out, in the instant before it touches the bed, I see that we have a baby girl.
There’s a ½ second pause. I’m alone with my new little girl. She’s mine. I’m someone’s daddy. Its just the two of us.

She eases into a soggy cry. Arms come from everywhere. She’s wrapped up and moved toward Heidi. I’m lost in the crowd.

What an answer to prayer. She seems healthy (she’s still crying)… her whole body turns almost fluorescent pink when she cries. Heidi has her little girl on her chest. Nurse Darlene does a physical of the baby so fast that we didn’t realize it even happened until she mentions it an hour later. Someone tells all the nurses “don’t clamp the cord, they’ve requested that it stop pulsing first.” I move through the people to see my little girl on Heidi’s chest. Heidi is so tired… but now she’s alive. All her color is back. She’s awake. She’s smiling. She just ran the longest race… and won.
Someone asks permission to clamp the cord… “it’s stopped pulsing now.” “yes, that’s fine”. Moments later I’m directed to cut the cord…. The symbolic separation of child from mother. The final disconnect from the comfort of the womb. That’s my job I guess.
Heidi gazing at her little girl. The nurses have towels around the cord (now white as the blood has returned to the baby). Someone hands me surgical scissors and points to the area between the clamps. Someone warns me, “it’s pretty tough.” I’ve done a lot of dissections, I have a sense of what tissue like that might feel like. It is tough. I cut slowly for Heidi’s sister who is taking photos. More than anything, I just want to be holding my little girl with Heidi… I feel hints of envy. Heidi is bonding so deeply with the baby. This is what is supposed to happen. It’s exactly what we wanted. I want to bond too. (Later I got to spend a lot of time with her. It was (and is) wonderful to walk around with my little girl. I think I’m going to like her.
Somewhere in the middle of the confusion, Dr Peterson arrives. She’s not happy. Nurse Darlene asks “What do you need doctor?” “I need to be called on time!” I suspect that Dr Peterson thought that she was called late on purpose. She probably also believed that Nurse Darlene was responsible for our choice to not follow her directions. Heidi and I were only dimly aware of these things in the background. There was one thing that eclipsed everything else.
“What is her name” “She is Allana Joy. A-l-l-a-n-a.”

2005-05-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

Heidi experiencing final pushing contractions after days of no sleep.

Part III: Allana Joy

2005-05-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

Nurse Kathleen starts Pitocin ~7pm. Brenda is New nurse for shift (Previously worked with Heidi in ICU) Heidi is now tied to the External Fetal Monitor. (two belts around her middle… one has a Doppler system for monitoring the baby’s heart rate. The other has a glorified button that measures her abdominal tension and thus roughly measures her contractions.) From this point on, it seemed that every single time, Heidi had a moment to rest… instantly someone was there trying to adjust the monitor. At times it felt like cruel and unusual punishment. A case where the cure just compounded the problem. ( I can’t fault the nurses… they were caring, and careful… but tied to rules. )

Contractions pick up quickly with Pitocin & and they become much more intense.
Dr Peterson told the nurses to titrate (increase dose) slowly… make changes on the hour at the most. (thank you).

*Our memory got fuzzy for a while here. It was intense, it was grueling, we were very tired. Heidi hoped to deliver on this shift with Brenda.

Heidi gets totally worn out: crisis #1. Dr Peterson says we need to either back off, or go much faster to get through… Heidi is wearing out. ~Midnight – 1:30am, Pitocin is backed way down so Heidi could rest. (She couldn’t do more… and they might have lead to a c-section) She actually dozed off for over an hour.

~3:30am Nurse Dawn took over ‘till 7am. Updated Dr. Peterson when she arrived for morning rounds. ~6:45am the Nurse expressed concerns about fetal heart decelerations (patterns where the babies hard slows over a period of time) Dr. Peterson did not consider them to be serious. (Thank you. Fetal heart decelerations are what doctors point at when they express the need to perform an emergent c-section)

Heidi was dilated to 4cm. (As I recall this was not taken as super-good news. It had been a long rough night and 2 cm more seemed like a paltry reward.)

7am, Thursday, May 19th Nurse Darlene comes on. She introduces herself and explains that she usually cares for patients that are doing natural childbirth. She is very encouraging. She says “I won’t talk about drugs, and I won’t talk about pain. It’s not because I don’t care.” She calls contractions “surges”… they are good. She says “We are going to have this baby today”. Darlene was very encouraging.

10am Contractions are becoming considerably stronger & close together. Heidi is questioning if this is the transition phase. (Transition is a difficult time in labor when contractions become extremely intense. The body is transitioning between “opening the door” of the cervix to pushing the baby out.)
Heidi is very uncomfortable. Darlene says “maybe we’ll have a lunchtime baby”

~2-3pm Heidi reached major crisis point. She is utterly exhausted and contractions are very strong. Quick ultrasound (portable, roll-in machine) by Dr. Peterson shows the baby is facing posterior… no wonder contractions are so back and both in Pelvis & Back! (Posterior: the baby is head down… but face is forward. This position means that intense labor does little to progress toward delivery)
Heidi feels she cannot tolerate this any longer – ranting she will do whatever it takes to be done… even an epidural, c-section. She is not coping at this point. This was a difficult time for both of us. I looked into Heidi’s eyes, but I couldn’t see my wife any more… she was gone. I was looking at a shell. Her skin was pasty, her eyes were dark and sunken. I felt like the decisions that were being made no-longer were about our desire for a natural birth… but about getting her through this alive… and getting our baby through this alive.
I knew Heidi couldn’t continue. Once again the choice was either medical interventions (she was tired enough that an epidural might not have helped her push any better. She didn’t have any margin, that would have meant a c-section surgery.) We decided that no-matter what we chose, it would start with letting her rest. Nurse Darlene called Dr. Peterson requesting to turn off Pitocin for a while so Heidi could rest and regroup. Dr Peterson said that it was NOT her recommendation. (She felt that Heidi was too tired and stopping would only prolong the situation and tire her even more).
We chose to take a break anyway. We asked the nurse to stop the Pitocin drip. We removed the monitor and put Heidi in the Jacuzzi. We turned out the lights and shooed everyone out of the room. I sat next to her on the bathroom floor. She was instantly asleep [not quite normal sleep. She would have responded if talked to.. but I don’t think she was really conscious either]. (She had been awake and dreaming between contractions already… she was no longer functioning at this point)
This was the first time since we started that I allowed my feelings to come to the surface. I sobbed on the edge of the tub in the dark. Heidi was asleep. Nobody else was around. This wasn’t what we had planned. I knew that delivering a baby would be tough… but this was like nothing I’d ever heard about… and it was nothing like what we planned. Here is my wife. The person that God has brought to me to complete what He made me to be… She has worked harder and endured more than anyone I’d ever known. I couldn’t fix anything. I couldn’t take her pain away. My only real choice was to tell her to keep going. To keep doing what she had been. To continue to endure more than she already had. I couldn’t tell her when it would be over, just that it would be… sometime. It didn’t seem fair to her. It was love, but not the way that I wanted love to feel. We were both very discouraged. I prayed a lot during these moments.
After about 15 minutes, Nurse Darlene comes in and I step out to talk to her. She’s been doing research and has found a possible compromise.

2005-05-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Heidi labors through contractions on May 18th

Part II: Allana Joy

2005-05-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

**This is a somewhat sterile timeline beginning Tuesday and going about 1/2 through
please forgive the incorrect grammar and frequent mispelled words!
+++++++++++++++++

Tuesday May 17th
2pm ultrasound appt. w/ a guy tech.
1) he measured low amniotic fluid
2) he saw a very mature placenta
3) baby was ~ 35 wks size at 39 wks age.

3:15pm Meet with Dr Peterson. She wants to induce Heidi for the above listed reasons. We were pretty disappointed. Heidi cried, but we wanted to take care of our baby.

4:10pm Dr Peterson says to meet her at the Hospital before 6pm to induce.

4:25pm Stop at the Capitol to tell what we’re doing – Leave my motorcycle there at work. We called Grammy H and our Doula (Amy) on the way home.

4:47pm Arrive home to gather our things.

5:30pm Leave for hospital. More calls on the way.

5:55pm Standing at reception desk on 3rd floor of birthing center.

6:30pm Actually checked in and given a room.

7pm Dr Peterson gives Heidi Cervadil to “soften/ripen” her cervix to prepare for contractions (normally induced with Pitocin) on a planned induction.

11pm Heidi is experiencing her first small contractions. They continue and grow through the night. She didn’t sleep at all… but tried to dose between contractions. I slept ~30mins on concrete floor next to her & ~40 mins on the sofa bed-thing when I discovered it had wheels (so I could move it next to Heidi)

First night’s nurses: Nancy ‘til 7pm. Kacy ‘til 3am, and then Jessica ‘til 7am.

7am (Wednesday May 18, 2005) Jessica removed Cervadil. Contractions continue on their own. Then we began natural stimulation to help them continue and grow. (it worked very well)

Nurse: Kathleen 7am ‘til 7pm
*we were nervous about our next meeting with Dr Peterson… we got the impression she wanted to induce 1st thing in the morning.
8:45am Dr Peterson says Heidi is at 1-2 cm and 70% effaced. (we prayed that we would get another hour to progress). Dr Peterson said to the nurse “give it another hour (‘til 10am) or so & check progress again. Answered prayer… we didn’t talk to the doctor about what we hoped for, but those were the exact words she used.

Walked / Heidi leaned on me during contractions. Natural stimulation helped keep them coming very effectively.

10am Kathleen generously says “maybe 2.5 cm” to the doctor… which bought us more time without Pitocin. Dr. Peterson decides to “Let them be for the day” – over the phone.

We called Amy (our doula {Greek word for “coach”}) sometime after 10am. Her husband left work to come take care of their kids so she could come to the hospital. (thank you)
-She brought food (and a mocha for Daniel) Gatorade and protein powder for Heidi.

Later in the afternoon Heidi got in to the Jacuzzi tub in our room. Her sister washed her hair. She felt much better after being awake about 36 hrs now.

Late afternoon / evening contractions slow and almost stop. We are at another decision point. Prayer felt totally like talking to a wall. It was like everything ended (this was after a 2nd Jacuzzi dip * the warm water does tend to lighten and slow contractions) We’d except the cervadil, we’d been completely natural to this point.
Our option was to begin using Pitocin. Upside: control contractions & they would be stronger. Downside: Heidi must be on a fetal monitor while on Pitocin. Contractions are known to be more intense, and more painful. Usually Pitocin leads to an epidural… which could lead to a “failure to progress” and consequently an emergent c-section.

2005-05-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

Here is Allana at ~ 6hrs. She seems to be a very content little girl.

Short note

2005-05-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

As I spend more time with Allana, she becomes more real, and my new identity as a dad starts to feel a little more comfortable. Sleep has been in short supply. Allana had one night where she cried & fussed for about 2hrs (hours that our bodies told us were supposed to be sleeping hours). It also happened to be her first time having "real" milk... so her gastro-intestinal tract was doing its job for the first time ever. I'm sure she was feeling gurgly.
I will be continuing with her birth story... it has been pretty busy recently! (more so than I expected... and recovering has been harder than I expected. I'm perpetually tired.)

Thank you.

(Those are the words my heart keeps trying to express. The Lioness and I have been blessed far beyond anything we could have earned in people's generosity and helpfulness, in people caring that a new life has been formed.) I want to be a generous person. I want to be someone who's willing to share and to give.

Thanks,
The Great Red Lion

Part I: Allana Joy

2005-05-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our world!

She came through a lot of difficulty. She came unexpectedly.... but she came gracefully, she arrived in peace, she brought beauty, she is healthy & happy. She takes after her mother in these ways.
The Lioness was super mom even before Allana was born. She endured more than a person should have to, and she did it out of love, and she did it peacefully.

Allana was born 5lb 5oz. She wasn't premature, just small.... which is why the doctor insisted that the Lioness be induced a week before her due date. What the doctor probably didn't expect was 48 hours of hard labor with >24 hours of it on pitocin. What nobody expected is that the Lioness would do all of it with no pain medication at all. "Lioness" is a suitable title.

Tuesday, May 17 was another beautiful pre-baby day! All my co-workers put together a very elegant baby shower for the Lioness and I. I was really amazed, I work with the most generous people. I was amazed at all that was put together, I took lots of pictures. I always feel so inadequate in my expressions of appreciation. It means so much to me when I see things like that. It is wonderful to know that people are excited with me about my baby. As the party closed, the Lioness reminded me of a doctor's appt. we had scheduled for ~2pm. So, we left my work for the doctor. That's when things started to twist from wonderful to unsettling.
We were there for a quick checkup ultrasound. The tech explained that he was measuring the amount of amiotic fluid... and that we were running a little low. He also measured the size of our baby (we only suspected that she was a girl at that point) and even though he didn't say anything, I could see the machine calculating her gestational age at least 3 weeks behind where she actually was. The only thing he mentioned was that the placenta was very "mature", it had done its job and might be providing less nutrients to our baby. He wanted to see if the doctor preferred to meet with us immediately instead of waiting for our appt the next day. Funny... she did want to meet with us. She reiterated in more detail what the ultrasound tech had expressed. It was brief. "This baby would do better out than in at this point." She wanted to induce labor. I wasn't worried. We'd have ~3 days to prepare (I don't know why I was thinking that). She would give the Lioness something to "soften her cervix"... to prepare her for labor. "Any questions?" "yes", I said "where will she be preparing for labor?" "At the hospital" hmm. "When will she be doing this?" Her answer changed everything. "Be at the hospital by 6pm."... It was 4pm.

Images, Moments, Minutes

2005-05-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight the lioness and I had a couple of friends over. A good friend of ours just bought a house across the street from ours. I got to loan my tools and a few minutes of time to help hook up a drier. Its a relief to have opportunities like that. Sometimes I worry that life will get so full of the "important" things that I won't have time to do anything that actually matters. Later, he came over to visit. It was fun to show off the changes to our house. Not everything is done. I still have tile to lay in the kitchen... but the house is beginning to come out of its "awkward" age and begin showing its true colors. Its exciting to see ideas come together and really look good.
Our baby is due in two weeks... so it really could come at almost anytime over the next four.

Right now everything seems to be a flurry of colors and motions.

Time

2005-04-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr., writer

True... True...

So what is the question that will lead me to understand the chasm that I see between me and thee?

busy-ness

2005-04-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

The baby coming is feeling very real. I feel really pinched by time demands. There are house projects to finish... but no weekends to do them in (tomorrow pm is hang-out with my friend on leave from Mosul Iraq and meet his new fiance'. Saturday is go to a morning music planning meeting then a skeet shoot that I've helped plan for a few minutes before leaving for a wedding... and ending the day at a different friend's bachelor party... which of those do I say no to?)
I know that my wife is seeing the days slipping by... and the task list is not getting much shorter. I feel like I've got a little more than I can chew going on... it makes me pretty ineffective at almost everything. I can't quit work. I can't stop worship at church. I can't quit birthing class.
Forgive me if I'm sounding like a whiner. I really don't mean to. Every one of these things is a blessing in my life. It's just hard to see a way through that includes everything getting done. I can see my margin running thin on some days. I start to get angry at "safe" things like the publication project at work that I can't seem to get done.

On our own

2005-04-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Bridger talks about what he is discovering are the most important things in his life. At one point he says - "Taking people where they can't go on their own."

I think that phrase captures an enormous amount of meaning. It's also something that resonates strongly in me. There is a huge joy in seeing someone(s) arrive at a place they long to be, but don't know can actually exist. I guess that's also what I want someone to do for me. It's something (in very tangible ways) that Jesus Christ has done in my life. I am so thankful for the amazing amount of life that He has granted to me... in spite of my unfaithfulness, and even unwillingness to cooperate along the way. I am extra thankful for the moments of clarity that can make the world more beautiful than I thought possible.

Consumerism

2005-04-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to read through "Man in the Mirror" with a few other guys. In Chapter 2 the writer explains the history, logic, and consequences (statistically) of Consumerism as an economic system and its impact on our culture.
The basic principle emerged in the wake of WWII as economists worked to keep the US economy growing in the absence of the demands that the war effort had placed on the nation. (wars are incredibly expensive.. and consequently a great deal of money is to be made... this is not a reflection on war itself). They believed that the only way to maintain growth was to maintain a growing level of product consumption. People had to buy more than what they actually needed. It was around this time that a shrewd businessman connected with a curious and entrepreneuarial (yes that's spelled wrong) psychological community. They began to study what motivates us. They began to experiment with actually doing it. What was born was the infancy of the out-of-control marketing industry that we face today. I suspect that there is no way to trully know the degree to which we as individuals think and function differently because of the inflences of advertising. (part of me gets really excited about how all that works) The advertiser's job is to convince us that we aren't satisfied until we have whatever it is they are being paid to sell!
It makes so much sense... and at the very same time its fallacies are blindingly clear. Consumerism can only work in a culture that allows lying to be normal. Consumerism invites us to believe things that are easy to believe on one hand... and mercilessly cruel on the other. That we all "deserve" the perfect life.... but we are never allowed to actually get there.
Deserve is a word that can only be used in connection with pride.
A perfect life has only happened one time... and it didn't look anything like a skin-cream ad.

Projects

2005-04-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

I was just working on a logo for a group that I help with. We're trying to build a leadership team that can duplicated itself. The big picture goal is to help build men into better men. To help them know Jesus Christ in a real tangible life changing way... and to see Him change their lives. The idea is to build through relationship and purpose rather than regiment and program. Make disciples instead of workers. The goal is to give men a desire to grow instead of a command to change. At some levels this stuff has got to seem painfully obvious... I remember phrases like "you can't make a flower grow by pulling on it" well.. duh. However, its a challenge to rebuild a way of thinking. For many people (especially people that have grown up in christian culture) we have a knee-jerk reaction to events, phrases... almost anything. Our reactions are governed by christian culture... but not necessarily the Bible. Our attitudes are shaped by christian expectations... but not necessarily the Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, many of us.. if not most of us.. have a hard time seeing the separation between our christian culture (the social heritage we've been given) and a walking relationship with God. Its understandable to live that way.. there is safety in following what others have done... but also danger. God is a living God. He has no special love for the "christian" way of doing things. He takes joy in a righteous heart. A humble heart. A heart that chases after the life that he is offering to anyone that is willing accept the challenge.
In my experience, God doesn't care about glitter, or glamour. He only cares about real value. We could never impress him with our cool clothes or sleek tan (a relief for those of us that don't have either). He's not impressed with our pride... because He knows the truth of who we are. Good... the bad... the really bad. Its pretty scary to trust someone.. anyone with our real selves. God has spoken to me at times throughout my life from my earliest memories. (and before that based on things my mom has said) But even now (maybe especially now), It is a greater joy... but also a much greater challenge to surrender the image I have of myself. To go back to square one. To admit that I've been selfish again. It hurts to be wrong. Somehow God is faithful to lift my head again.... true humility is not to think bad of yourself... its to see yourself as you trully are... both your strengths and weaknesses. Pride is what happens anytime we step away from a true image of who we are. Pride is simply a lie... It just happens that the nice lies are the easiest ones to embrace.
Abraham Lincoln once asked; "if you call a dog's tail a leg... how many legs does it have?" The answer is "Four. It doesn't matter what you call a tail... it is still a tail."
Okay I've wandered a lot... its time for bed.

The Heart of man

2005-04-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

Bridger asked the question, " are people good... or evil?"

Here are my first thoughts.

People are flawed. We have inherited the conseqences of the wrongs that have been done before us.. by our parents, and theirs.. all the way back to Adam. At the center of our flawed nature is a break with truth. We all lack truth. We are all deceived. We must seek to know the degree of our deception. People are absolutely capable of "good" things... Even an evil man will not give his son a serpent when he asks for bread. However our capacity and even our desire for good is distorted by the deception that we are under. We cannot cure our own deception by thinking our way out or learning our way through. It is our thinking and learning that have been affected! It is something that we need to be rescued from and healed of... and because you can't give away what you don't have. Truth can only come from the one that has never been decieved.

2005-04-10T16:27:00.000-07:00

All Square Worship

Eternal Truth in Street Shoes

2005-04-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have the fortune of encountering people that have a true desire to understand the truth of God. Some even have a heart to see truth expressed in their lives. To be Christ in this world. That heart is the heart that I believe we are to have... honest curiosity, simple dissatisfaction coupled with a positive expectation of what is to come.
I welcome any honest questions for discussion. Especially those relating to an effort to apply what learn about God to our every day lives.

Life

2005-03-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

With each season I walk through, there are a couple of things that seem to continually take on new levels of meaning. 1) Life is precious. 2) Life is fleeting.
Currently, most of my friends are married or on their way. Many have children. A few of my friends are single.
As the due date for my own baby approaches, my wife and I are especially aware of babies around us, babies and young parents that we know. My job allows me to pay attention to Legislation at the state level in my State.... there are currently several bills specifically addressing harm to an unborn child. One bill allows for a murder charge to be brought against someone who's abusive actions cause the death of an unborn child (not withstanding lawful abortions) . Another increases the penalty of killing or battering a pregnant woman... (its an attempt to maintain the illusion that an unborn child is somehow not a person). These things remind me of the value of my wife and my baby. They make me feel ferociously defensive of them.
I recently heard of a couple that lost their 3 day old baby. Their baby died. They didn't even have a chance to know him. It's hard to fathom an experience like that. It reminds me that life is fleeting.
Tonight I heard that someone I care about has had second miscarriage. It hurts my heart to know these things.
Life is precious. Life if fleeting

The irony of complaining

2005-03-19T22:36:00.000-08:00

I've found the better off I am, the easier it is to complain. When struggles come that are real... words are useless. Froth and bubble.

Now is the time

2005-03-13T17:24:00.000-08:00

There is something reassuring in knowing that I can look back at things that have happened and remember. Too much of life is wasted in the meaningless and too much more is lost in forgetfulness.

Starting off

2005-03-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

This is an ironic time to try something new... or maybe its the best time. I feel like I've got more things happening that I know how to complete. I am not enough to go around.
My wife and I are expecting a baby. Well, to be born that is. We are already parents, the baby is already here. Its funny to think how close we are to our child, and yet how ironically far away. Parenthood is another of life's mysteries that people love to talk about, but the line of experience separates the parents from the non-parents. It's like a club. When I was single, I was excluded from the "married" people club. Now, we're being initiated into the "parents" club... with all the unknown, and all the expectations that we carry.
Today. For now. This is my life.